01
Jun
11

That is a sport?

No idea why it bothers the ever loving shit out of me but lacross (or is it field hockey) is not a fucking sport.  Have you seen these rich, east coast ‘bros’ running around a football field?  The very little I’ve seen reveals nothing difficult or athletic surrounding this sport.  The ‘players’ are not allowed to use those long ass sticks as weapons, all they have to do is get in front of a player and there you have the defense.  Occasionally a bro gets ambitious, flings the little ball toward the goal without any sort of aim and scores a goal…fuck that noise.  Why do they wear shoulder pads if they aren’t allowed to check the shit out of Garrett?  Shoulder pads and shorts is what you wear to a gang bang in the WWE, its not a uniform for sports.

Lacrosse is what white, rich, skinny, short, unathletic, east coast assholes play when they don’t want to get hurt playing hockey.  Hockey has a similar structure in the basic sense, but you have to skate and actually knock the fuck out of someone to play defense.  In lacrosse, any sort of balls out contact gets you in trouble with Darren (the senator’s son and team captain).

Here are some ideas to improve lacrosse:

  • Make the ball the hardest fucking marble on earth.  That would send the speeds into the 100’s while causing some major damage to the goal keeper, win/win.
  • Every goal should be followed by a 45 second rumble festival.  If the defensive team can get to the goal scorer and punch him in his vagina, then the goal is removed.
  • Enclose the field and shorten it.  I don’t want to see Taylor twirling his stick for 100 yards while he lazily jogs down the field.  Soccer becomes slightly, only slightly, enjoyable when you take it indoors b/c its faster and a shit ton more dangerous.  Take notes lacrosse.
  • Import some black dudes.  One day they will create a lacrosse team full of black dudes from the hood.  They will dominate like Sarah Palin in a window licking competition.  Bonus points for Terrell t-bagging Brady at midfield after a goal.
I hate everything about lacrosse, from those that play to the people who enjoy watching it.
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12
Jan
11

Time to admit it

It’s time to admit that I’m old..errr older then I think.  When you get to a point that you view all of the trendy clothes and music as complete horse shit, then you are old.

Music:  As I drove home yesterday, I heard a song by the Black Eyed Peas that was a remake of “time of my life” (the dirty dancing song).  It was the biggest blood soaked tampon of a song I’ve ever heard.  Practically everything that “music group” does is terrible.  I wouldn’t even call them a music group; they don’t play instruments, they remake old songs.  Damn near all of the other popular music sucks equally as bad. 

Lady Gaga – Holy hell she is ugly

Miley Cyrus – She looks like a horse trying to sing

Justin Bieber – I got a $50 spot that says he takes it in the ass

Clothes:  I think I was about 13 years old when I saw some dude with his pants falling off his ass as he walked and made the comment “I wonder if one day tight, short pants will be the style?”  Sure as shit, we have entered the future.  Nothing against guys who skateboard, but why did they seem to start this nut tight pants trend?  Seems they would want something more roomy.  Does this imply that skateboarders have small dicks? Hmmm.  As far as tight shirts go, fuck you Under Armor.  In the past three years, the ‘in’ things is to go to a gym wearing a skin tight shirt, do maybe four bicep curls with as much weight as you can and then spend the next 30 mins talking on your cell phone and posing in the mirror.  Tight clothes are ridiculous, specifically on dudes.  Women, feel free to go as tight and see thru as possible..I encourage it actually.

07
Jan
11

Relocating

Relocating for a job/career SUCKS.  That is all.

15
Dec
10

Tis the season

Returning to the Edible Afro has been therapeutic, particularly for my growing hatred of bitch tits (see previous post).  In summary, bitch tits and I share a wall between our cubes.  I could list about fifty words describing him, but “bitch tits” really captures them all.  His ongoing fight with his wife is a bit humorous and just today he was telling someone on the phone his bank account number.  Therefore if you a shake weight, let a brother know and we can thank bitch tits for the present.

Today’s post doesn’t explicitly blame bitch tits, but I was reminded by him.  I despise people who are sick with the fucking flu or any other nasty disease yet choose to come to work.  Bitch tits has been coughing up a lung while blowing his nose all day.  Every time I hear it I let out a louder sigh then before.  Without a doubt, he is too dumb to understand.  I’ve been known in the past to show my frustration by slamming an office door or simply telling someone to shut up…bitch tits is this close to getting a “take your sick ass home to your trailer.”  Another post for another time, but he needs to go to the doctor and realizing that some guy will have to examine his kind is reason enough to never become a medical doctor.  The flu is that Christmas treat that really spices up the holidays.  As if Christmas wasn’t already stressful enough, add to that the near quarantine you have to set up for your kids.  Idiots like bitch tits who go to work and parents who take their kids to school when they are sick deserve our rage. 

This is my holiday promise, if I get sick and a bell rings then bitch tits will have lost sight in one eye from my epic upper cut.  Happy Holidays to all.

06
Dec
10

Cube Farm

Holy sheep balls it’s been many moons since I’ve last posted.  Perhaps over that period I became a softer, more relaxed person…LIKE HELL I HAVE.  Since our last conversation, I have changed jobs and work part time in a cube farm.  Many of you will say I’m spoiled for the following rant, but guess what, I don’t give a pair of transvestite tits what you think. 

I despise being in a cube where others around can hear every word I say and I can hear ever word they say.  Not only that, but I can hear them eating, I can hear them bitching to their moms, I can even hear them scratch their balls.  Recently my afternoon was filled by the dude with man tits on the other side of the wall being told by his mom and wife that he is a bitch.  As a nosey prick, I gave work a big FUCK YOU and dove right into his conversation (this was possible b/c his phone was so loud that could hear both sides of the conversation).  A little bit of background on bitch tits is that he is one of those guys who thinks he is funny and smart and awesome when he is really comparable to the shit I left last weekend.  He is overweight, terrible sense of humor and that stank of rotten mac and cheese is most certainly his week old thong.  On to the conversation where his mom was telling him that his kids are terrible and that he doesn’t know how to raise them.  In my house, that would qualify as an over the phone bitch slap but bitch tits just gave a few “OKs”.  He then recounted to his wife and exaggerated how he told off his mom.  I then hear his wife (whom surely has a large, veiny cock in her pants) how much she hates his mom and him for not tearing her down.  That was bitch tits.

On to David Spade.  I share another wall with David Spade who thinks his dry sense of humor is being picked up for a sitcom and his one liners are sparkling.  His go to line is “so your telling me…” and this is to give his small mind a few extra seconds to think of a witty comeback.  These comebacks are terrible to say the least.  A recent back and forth with bitch tits went like this “so your telling me that you got stopped speeding and told the cop to go eat a donut?  You could have told the cop that you were an OSU fan running from OU.”  This type of commentary adds to my hatred of him, he knows everything about sports.  He knows why OU won, who they can beat, why OSU isn’t any good and a fucking grab bag of additional horse shit.  On numerous occassions I overhear “WE beat….”  I’m beating a dead horse with this one, but YOU didn’t beat shit.  YOU were on your ass watching the game.  YOU would break your dick the second you stepped onto the field.  YOU can fuck yourself.   

If I dont like someone, I ignore them.  I avoid them.  I dont ask what they thought about the game, taxes or their fucking taint status.  Sadly, none of this can be avoided in a cube farm.  Within a cube, I get to hear everything you talk about with everyone you talk to.  I am not a ninja.  I can’t block you out or shut you down.  Your fucking voice annoys the shit out of me and everything you talk about sounds absolutely stupid.  Call me spoiled, but I am not going to accept another job that is located in a cube.  It would be in the best interest of the company and my fucking sanity to hook a homie up with an office that has a door which can be shut loudly and violently when I am sick of hearing fuckers in cubes.

16
Feb
10

You are a FAG if….

One or perhaps two of these qualities may not prove fatal, but if you are included in multiple points then you, my NON friend, are a fag. 

  • If you take a picture of yourself with a camera phone through the reflection of a bathroom mirror.
  • If you wear shirts that are tight.  Lots of guys think they can pull it off when NONE can.  Tight shirts are for Hooters waitresses, not after you spend 10 mins in the gym once a week.
  • If you TWEET or change your FACEBOOK status constantly.  FUCK YOU and whatever you are doing that no one with a life gives a shit about.
  • If you are a dude and you use a tanning bed. 
  • If you use a blue tooth headset.  Son of a doggy dick, hold the phone to your fucking ear Captain Kirk.
  • If you wear a hat that is either too big or has a straight bill.
  • If you think people on message boards are anything more then a set of window licking dick farmers.
  • If you spread rumors like a 15 yr old girl, but become a raging pussy when someone confronts you.
  • If you dont like my blog.
  • If you go to celebrity websites like TMZ and give a flying fuck what they do day to day.
  • If you use the words “hero”, “miracle” or “role model” when you discuss sports.  Athletes, 99 out of 100, are rich idiots that are dumber then my six year old.
  • If you go to a sporting event and participate in the wave.
  • If you wear gear and support a school that you didn’t attend or have no relation with aside from you think their football team is good.
29
Sep
09

Forecast – Cock Gobbling

I don’t have many television shows that I watch religiously.  Perhaps, two nights a week I want to come home, take off my pants, release a Greek Tragedy type shit, eat something greasy and watch my shows.  Its a simple formula for a long and fulfilling life.  Now when my nights are interrupted endlessly by a meteorologist telling me its going to rain or that I shouldn’t be outside flying a kite, then my urge to kill overcomes my simple existence.

I’ve always lived in “tornado alley” but guess what…I’ve never seen a fucking tornado.  Yet, we have guys on TV that want to power up the DOPPLER 26, follow a storm and blow a goat as they have a massive orgasm for all of us to see.  The worst part is that I have to hear every five minutes during my show that there is a CHANCE of a tornado in bum fucking egypt.  Naturally, one minute after my show is complete then all is well with the world and mother nature apparently took her Vicodin and went to bed. 

These pole-sitting meteorologist will show shitty camera footage of rain IN THE DARK for no reason whatsoever.  Then they will talk to someone on the phone, but the person on the phone is out in the typhoon and you can’t make out a fucking word they say.  Enthralling shit!  The next data they review on TV is where the lightning has occurred….let me write that again, HAS occurred.  For the love of grundles, please make one of those little dots be lightning that hit the guy’s dog.  Hey meteorol-fuck, how about you now color your county with red and put a “FRIED DOG WARNING”.  Leave me and my shows alone.  You can’t change the weather, so give me my shows back so I can get lifted by a tornado while I enjoy my shows.